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Millions of children are affected by divorce each year.1,3
Divorce can contribute to significant consequences in children, including:
- Anger
- Depression
- Anxiety
- School difficulties
- Social difficulties
- Changes in long-term attitudes towards marriage and divorce
Research shows that many children cope and adapt well after a divorce.3,4
What should we say to our children? How do we help our children cope with the divorce?
Explaining divorce to children is a complicated topic that needs to be addressed in a compassionate way, using child-friendly terms for young minds. Parents, therapists, teachers and caregivers’ help will be needed to ease children through this significant life change.2
Here is some guidance but it is often recommended to get the support of an expert to facilitate children’s adaptation to divorce:
- Both parents should be present to announce it, act as a team, even if one parent will do most of the talking
- Language: use words that are child-friendly
- Ask your child what he/she understands about divorce
- Small appropriate sound bites: share the facts in small bites and don’t overwhelm the child with too much information
- Honesty and transparency: parents should be honest and use the words: separate and divorce
- No Blame games: avoid blaming the other when you explain the divorce
- The child might feel guilty, so make sure he/she understands he has nothing to do with what happened between you and your spouse
- Explain why you are getting a divorce, find a way to put the blame on both parents even if one of them is more to blame (rehearse well before you talk to your child)
- No put-downs on the other parent: parents should avoid labeling the other in negative terms regarding characteristics and personality
- Consistency and predictability: divorce can be an enormous transition for children. Sometimes they’ll have to change homes or schools. Their world can suddenly begin to be unknown and unstable which can cause anxiety
- Cooperative co-parenting: when parents continue to be present and engage cooperatively in co-parenting the child during and after the divorce, the child adjusts better with the new situation
- Validation: adults should encourage and validate the child’s expressions and feelings via stories, drawings, letters, play and conversation
- Explain the process
- Divorce ends a marriage, but it does not dissolve a family
- Reassure children that parental love is permanent
- Fairness: each parent should be fair regarding holidays schedule, birthdays and to respect financial, health and school decisions
Every child is unique and has different developmental needs and has his/her own developmental track, cognitive, functional and emotional capacity. Some might need to be followed by an expert, make sure you get them the support needed to limit the short and long-term impact of the divorce
Dr. Khalil Mouhaidly,
MD Pediatrics
